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Christmas jokes

  • Why should you never mess with Santa?
    Because he’s got a black belt.
  • A boy is running around his yard in early December, chanting, “I SO WISH I GOT A NEW BIKE FOR CHRISTMAS!”
    An elderly man watches him go on for a while, then comes over and says, “Son, what is this about, Santa ain’t deaf, you know?”
    The little boy, out of breath, smiles, “He probably isn’t, but my auntie Jane is.”
  • Little girl wrote to Santa, asking him to give her a baby sister for Christmas.
    Santa replied promptly, asking her to send her mother.
  • I heard of a guy who shoplifted an Advent calendar. He got 24 days.
  •  Little Johnny by the Christmas tree: “And are all these gifts from Santa?”
    “Yes Johnny,” beams his mother.
    “Oh, so you didn’t get me a darn thing again this year, did you.”
  • “Boss, can I take tomorrow off? My wife really needs help with Christmas cleaning,” asks Joe.
    “Are you out of your head, man? I can’t give you a day off for this!” rumbles the boss.
    “Oh thanks a lot, boss,” Joe smiles, relieved, “I knew I could rely on you!”
  • Why are there no chimney sweeps in Scotland?
    Why pay for something that Santa does regularly for free?